“Now I can’t stop wanting to write books even knowing what I know. Bastards!”
Seriously, the more I read the more I think, why do I still want to write? I wish I could be into a much more lucrative endeavor! Alas, I’m a hopeless romantic for the art and such is my fate!
Right there with you, Elle! It's not the best fate, at least not in this era, but not the worth either. Been really enjoying your newsletter. If the trad publisher of your dreams doesn't come calling in the next year or so, I'd be shocked, whether that's something that ends up interesting you or not. :)
I loved this, Catherine. So, so good and so much food for thought. Thank you for articulating (much better than I can!) what I've been feeling in the back of my own brain too.
“Was the mission an adequate vessel for your restlessness and agita and most dire personality flaws during the time you were on that mission?“
Good lord I needed to read that. I graduated college as the Class of 2021, and spent my senior year fully remote, so you can imagine how I feel toward certain, um, longstanding ambitions and disappointments.
It’s hard not to feel like every goal will ultimately lead to a hollow victory. This year, and the next, and the next… I’ve been teetering on the verge of Pure Gothic Despair for a while. But this framing of things - of goals mattering because they keep us out of worse trouble - I think that can help me make peace with the climb, and the summit.
Oof, that IS a hard hand to be dealt - the Class of 2021 got so robbed, it seems like. "Pure Gothic Despair" is well put. Will you email your address? Would love to send you something
Aaaah yes, thank you, that would be very much appreciated! I do not know how to email via Substack but maybe that’s something you can see from your end?
Someone once told me I ought to pause my personal Everest expedition until I determine my motivations. I've always wondered if she was right, though stopping seemed like a horrific idea. I didn't know *why* it seemed like a horrific idea until you told me in this post. Better to keep my shit corralled and, if understanding arrives in the process, cool. If not, I'm content with creative ignorance.
Thank you from the bottom of my focused but cryptic heart.
"Focused but cryptic heart," good lord, Daniel, I have been needing this description without knowing it. And yes, totally agree re: corralled. Next time someone asks us why, we'll tell them that the dream is keeping us out of worse trouble.
Enjoyed reading this. Really nice take on the meaning of struggle, one that I hadn't really considered before. Definitely explains this MFA I've been battling at for years. A lot more eloquent that my general shrug of "well what else was I gonna do!"
“Now I can’t stop wanting to write books even knowing what I know. Bastards!”
Seriously, the more I read the more I think, why do I still want to write? I wish I could be into a much more lucrative endeavor! Alas, I’m a hopeless romantic for the art and such is my fate!
Right there with you, Elle! It's not the best fate, at least not in this era, but not the worth either. Been really enjoying your newsletter. If the trad publisher of your dreams doesn't come calling in the next year or so, I'd be shocked, whether that's something that ends up interesting you or not. :)
That is very kind of you to say. 😎
I loved this, Catherine. So, so good and so much food for thought. Thank you for articulating (much better than I can!) what I've been feeling in the back of my own brain too.
Thanks so much, Terrell! :)
“Was the mission an adequate vessel for your restlessness and agita and most dire personality flaws during the time you were on that mission?“
Good lord I needed to read that. I graduated college as the Class of 2021, and spent my senior year fully remote, so you can imagine how I feel toward certain, um, longstanding ambitions and disappointments.
It’s hard not to feel like every goal will ultimately lead to a hollow victory. This year, and the next, and the next… I’ve been teetering on the verge of Pure Gothic Despair for a while. But this framing of things - of goals mattering because they keep us out of worse trouble - I think that can help me make peace with the climb, and the summit.
Oof, that IS a hard hand to be dealt - the Class of 2021 got so robbed, it seems like. "Pure Gothic Despair" is well put. Will you email your address? Would love to send you something
Aaaah yes, thank you, that would be very much appreciated! I do not know how to email via Substack but maybe that’s something you can see from your end?
Someone once told me I ought to pause my personal Everest expedition until I determine my motivations. I've always wondered if she was right, though stopping seemed like a horrific idea. I didn't know *why* it seemed like a horrific idea until you told me in this post. Better to keep my shit corralled and, if understanding arrives in the process, cool. If not, I'm content with creative ignorance.
Thank you from the bottom of my focused but cryptic heart.
"Focused but cryptic heart," good lord, Daniel, I have been needing this description without knowing it. And yes, totally agree re: corralled. Next time someone asks us why, we'll tell them that the dream is keeping us out of worse trouble.
"The dream is keeping us out of worse trouble" — that's perfect. I plan to use that but will give you full credit ;-).
Enjoyed reading this. Really nice take on the meaning of struggle, one that I hadn't really considered before. Definitely explains this MFA I've been battling at for years. A lot more eloquent that my general shrug of "well what else was I gonna do!"
Thanks for reading, Sarah. I definitely am familiar with the MFA battle - godspeed with it!
Yes it is. "Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly" Museum of Apartheid, Capetown
Voula, that's dead on! Also, I was assigned to memorize that poem in 6th grade and it still rolls off my tongue. :)